Grief - Myths and Misconceptions
For most of my life, I have had very little exposure to expressions of grief and mourning. The general response I saw in my family was quiet and pragmatic, with minimal traditions or rituals. As a result, I have to be honest and admit that I have gotten grief very “wrong” by not knowing how to support loved ones in their mourning process. Looking back many years ago, for example, on a friends’ mother dying, I had no idea how to respond, and mistook a quiet pragmatic approach that I was familiar with for what she would need, and that lack of support did not go well. It is all too common for people to feel at a loss for what to say or do when they know someone who has experienced a death, or how to express their own grief. Sometimes this contributes to a response that adds to the pain of the mourner, rather than supporting their expression of grief.
Thankfully, I have expanded my understanding of grief and mourning, through experience, education, and by seeing beautiful examples.
I would like to share some myths and misconceptions about grief that will help us to avoid the pitfalls that may increase the pain one feels after death or loss.
These are myths that I have discovered through experience, as well as taught by 2 authors whose work I find very helpful: Megan Devine and Alan Wolfelt
Myth: Fixing or removing the pain of grief will help.
o The pain of grief is not a problem, and it can’t be fixed. It is a sign that love has been a part of one’s life. It must be felt, expressed, and tended, rather than avoided. It is a common mistake to try to talk people out of their pain, or somehow make it go away, so they can feel better and get back to normal. Saying something like “They’re in a better place now” or “Everything happens for a reason” are well meaning but misguided attempts to alleviate a mourners suffering. This will actually feel very isolating to the person feeling a loss, and increase their suffering. What they need is to be seen, heard, and accepted while they learn to carry their grief.
Myth: Grief and Mourning are the same experience.
o Actually, grief is the internal thoughts and emotions we feel when someone we love dies, or we have a loss. Mourning is the external expression of those thoughts and emotions. Mourning helps to move the energy of grief from the inside to outer expression, so it doesn’t get stuck inside, and is especially healing when done with compassionate, loving companions. Crafting rituals can create a pathway for the energy of grief to move from inside to outside, and honors the truth of our own experience.
Myth: Grief happens in predictable stages.
o The pathway through grief is unique to every person and situation. This myth is hurtful when people hold an expectation that they should be progressing along steps in a certain order, and invariably can’t live up to this. Grief is not predictable, orderly, and it can’t be categorized into linear steps. There is no timeline, schedule, or point at which they have to “get over it”.
Myth: Sharing your own story of loss will be comforting to someone feeling grief.
o This response risks turning into a competition of grief, and ends up feeling dismissive. We all just need to be heard in our grief without comparisons to someone elses’s loss, which may feel judgemental.
Myth: Tears expressing grief are a sign of weakness.
o Tears are the body’s way of releasing internal tension and are an important expression of mourning. They help people feel better physically and emotionally.
o Friends and family may try to stop the tears because they generate feelings of helplessness and inadequacy in themselves.
o Tears are not a sign of weakness, rather a sign of willingness to do the “work of mourning.”
Myth: Talking about the person who died will cause the mourner more pain.
o Talking about, sharing memories, telling stories about the person who died actually helps the mourner to feel seen and heard in their loss. Avoiding the subject can cause feelings of isolation for the mourner.
o Be prepared to hold space for tears and emotion at these times.
Myth: The goal is to get over your grief.
o We do not resolve or recover from a loss, with life then returning back to “normal.”
o When a death or loss happens, we are forever changed by that experience of grief and mourning. Mourners will slowly learn to reconcile their loss, and integrate the new, different reality of life without their loved one.
o This process of reconciliation and integration is a process, not a one-time event. The sharp pains of loss do not completely disappear, but soften over time and become less frequent. Hope emerges, and plans for the future start to take shape, while realizing that the person who died will never be forgotten.
Death, loss, grief, and mourning are complex and deeply felt life changing events. Navigating these events requires expression of feelings in safe and compassionate communities where we can be seen and heard.
Contact me for more information on scheduled grief tending circles
Meet Keri
Your guide, advocate, caregiver, companion, coach, and facilitator
I have had the privilege of caring for patients as a Registered Nurse in a variety of specialties, including Hospice, for over 3 decades. Now I spend my time as an End of Life Doula, helping my clients through their end-of-life journey, so they express what is most precious, sacred, and important to them in Life and in Death.